Several times in his life, Marcel Proust responded to an English-language questionnaire (now called the Proust Questionnaire), of which the answers were compiled into manuscripts.
Proust's responses were just as personal and intimate as they were meaningful. Whether or not he aimed to be profound or merely honest, I do not know. I assume that he had no intention of publishing the questionnaires, for Proust was not one to be arrogant, conceded, or self-absorbed. Whatever the circumstances, I find the questionnaire to be a valuable peek into Proust's mind, which was as playful as it was straightforward.
One question asks for one's favorite occupation, to which Proust responded, "Loving." Another demanded one's idea of misery-- "Not to have known my mother or my grandmother." Favorite Bird: "the Swallow." Hero in fiction: "Hamlet." A favorite of mine is his answer to "the natural talent I would like to have: "will-power and irresistible charm." Perhaps it is because I view and adore Proust for the profundity of his thoughts and written word that I find this response so surprisingly unlike Proust; yet that does not make me love it any less-- quite the contrary, in fact.
However, there are two responses that I most greatly admire, both of which has become very important to me since I first heard of and read the questionnaire:
1. The country where I should like to live: "One where certain things that I want would be realized, and where tenderness would always be reciprocated."
2. How I wish to die: "A better man that I am, and much beloved."
Yes, I love France a seemingly impossible amount. And yes, I plan to live there this year and, most likely, at least another year if I am accepted for the assistantship program upon graduating from university. Do I want to live there for the rest of my life? That I do not know. While tenderness may not always be reciprocated--for that seems too perfect to be true--France is, for me, a country that is magical, where any dream seems attainable; there is some sort of mysterious power that takes over me when I see Notre-Dame de Paris, a terraced café, or just a mere librairie. It is dazzling, mystifying, and vivifying, much like a fairy tale. I know that life is not perfect and that life in France will not attain perfection, but the journey toward this "ideal life" is best traveled with an open mind and open heart and by approaching each day and each experience with the same amount of wonder and excitement as the last. To realize anything that I desire. To keep the magic alive.
Just one week ago today, I was at my grandfather's funeral. I have yet to fully accept the reality of his death. His health had been poor and further deteriorating the last years of his life, and an injury he suffered during the Holocaust served as a constant reminder of the pain he would have to endure--both physically and mentally--throughout his life. Even still, he provided the best life possible for his wife, his three children, and his six grandchildren while also giving back to the community and building a multitude of business relationships and friendships. He improved his quality of life through his motivation, dedication, and sheer desire to live upon arriving in the United States in 1948. Through his successes and his family, he improved both his image to others and his spirit within himself, which was surely a hard task after experiencing the atrocities he faced as a young man. To say that he died loved would be an understatement to the greatest degree. At his funeral, there was hardly any remaining standing room; the chapel was filled to capacity with people who loved, admired, and cherished my grandfather-- young and old, family and friends, acquaintances and life-long companions. I think Proust might have admired my grandfather, but in any case, I certainly do. Like Proust and after reflecting on the life of my grandfather, I, too, hope to die improved and loved, or even just loved, for nothing could be more important than feeling valued and cherished by others, especially those that I myself value and cherish. But aside from death, I want to live loved for a long, long time.
Perhaps it was simply Proust's boredom that inspired him to respond to the questionnaire at certain intervals in his life. Yet I would like to believe that he answered the questions with the intentions of "monitoring" his personal growth-- the ways in which his views would change at various points in his life-- and, furthermore, as a way to reflect on what motivated these transformations. I believe that it is important to take a step back from time to time and view ourselves from a different angle, a varied perspective; it might inspire oneself to travel in a different direction, to change our ways, or even confirm the accuracy of the path one is currently taking.
The first item on the questionnaire asks for one's "most marked characteristic." While Proust's response is surely personal, I feel his reply is not only honest and sincere but also the response we would all give if we were not quite as ashamed or embarrassed to admit its truth, for we all have: "A craving to be loved, or, to be more precise, to be caressed and spoiled rather than to be admired."
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